Friday May 26th Study day #1

Welcome to Friday! Today the scale said 222.5lbs

I took Friday, Monday and Tuesday off work as I am writing an Exam towards my Group Benefits Administrator designation on Tuesday and this is day 1 of studying!

I've been thinking about "Gossip". I know that when my weight goes up and down that people in my life talk about it. (Which is okay) - Think about it, I'm encouraging the conversation with this Blog!

Part of the human experience is learning from each other. When I talk about other people (yes I do talk about others), I am doing one of three things

1. Exploring my feelings about a situation, talking out how I feel and figuring out what to do, or understanding why something occurred with another individual. Disagreements, behaviour I don't understand, concern about a situation, mind games or dynamics that confuse me etc..... And sometimes with a safe friend I'll just vent my frustrations to work through them.

2. Learning from another's experience. I see a friend/family member have an experience that I wish to understand, and talking about it helps me learn. New Babies, New relationships, new jobs, successes, failures etc... Observing life around me and gaining some wisdom from it.

3. Concern, compassion. For example, I would assume that my family would be concerned about my weight gain when they speak about me. Worried about my health, my self-esteem. People get sick, loved ones die, divorces, accidents, mental illness etc...

I do have some "guidelines" I apply when talking about another

1. Respect the individual I'm talking about, have compassion for their situation and their point of view even though they are not in the room.

2. Try to understand the "why" - the reason for the conversation is to learn/understand/grow through observing another. Talk to "understand".

3. If an individual I'm talking with starts making untrue or derogatory statements - stop the conversation. Phrases such as "She's such a bitch" or "He's just an idiot" are not appropriate. Or suggesting the person is "bad" or "not as good as us" is not productive and not about learning or compassion. That's getting into malicious statements and judgments of placing someone in a "lower" position. We all have our moments in life. I know that I've come across as opinionated, angry, bitchy, and a little crazy to others and I would not want to be seen as "less than" another, so I won't do that to someone else. Sure they can talk about my behaviour, vent about me if I've irritated them, talk about my experiences to the cows come home - I have no problems with that. I just hope that they see my humanity, my vulnerability, my soul while they talk about me. If I want that for me, then I want that for another too.

4. I keep my favourite phrase in mind "What would Love do now"

It all comes down to the fact that when I talk about someone else I'm really talking about "me" and my experience with them in the world.

When I was in my twenties in University, I had a good lesson on "gossip" that had me come up with my own guidelines so I didn't fall into the "negative" side of talking about another. When I was in university I fell in with a group of friends that crossed the line. Women that started a conversation from concern, curiosity, understanding, but ended the conversation with huge assumptions, rumours, and hurtful words about the other that made it difficult to be in the room with the other person after the conversation took place (even though they were not there at the time of the conversation). I remember one day stopping internally and listening to what they were doing, saying and the impact of their words. They were creating a soap opera of fiction that was amazing - and spreading these words around like it was truth. I had to make a choice about who I would stay in contact with, who I wanted in my life, and I walked away from a few individuals.

With going up and down in size, I've walked into a number of conversations about "me". I am not offended - I understand the concern. When I've lost weight I hear, "we've been just talking about your success". When I've gained weight - the conversation abruptly ends when I enter the room and I get those "smiles" as they change to a new topic. This is good too. That's showing me respect. Do I really want to hear "oh my god Betsy gained so much weight since I last saw her" - No, I don't. I know it. Do I want them NOT to talk about me? No, not really. That's an unrealistic expectation, and talking about my weight gain (or anything else in my life) is about them sorting out their feelings, their concerns, learning from my experience, processing life around them. That's what life is about. Experiencing, processing, observing, growing... And there is a whole world full of people who do it.

Think about it. If you don't care about another person at all - really don't care - you don't talk about them, as they don't matter. The fact someone is taking the time and energy to review my actions, my life means that I'm important enough to them to learn, interact, and experience me.

I'm also a verbal processor. I learn by talking. Part of this blog is about learning about me, and while I'm writing, whether it is this blog or a memo at work, I talk out loud. When I'm confused or am looking to understand something, I go and find someone to talk to. That's how I learn. Those of me who know me are smiling knowingly when I say that "I talk a lot". I know I'm chatty. I also know why I'm chatty. I will share anything. My personal view about my life is that it is an open book. Whether I'm at work, at home, with total strangers, I'll share everything because I learn from that experience. I do recognise that not everybody is comfortable with this. I know some people feel things are "private" and compartmental their life and have different conversations with different groups. The "work" group, verses the "Friend group" verses the "family group". As I am aware, I will back off my "sharing" with these people so they feel more comfortable with me. I don't expect others to share like I do. Each person has their own way of expressing their life. I do it verbally (and in this Blog). I do LOVE it though when people are open to talking and sharing their life story, thoughts with me. I learn so much from what others feel, experience, do in their lives. There have been amazing conversations that I have had with another that has changed my point of view, where I've gained wisdom from their experience, or grew as a person from a simple hallway conversation. Listening to another is part of the "talking" - Talking alone is just trumpeting your own opinion over and over - Dialoguing and Listening - now that's learning.

Namaste

B.