Thursday May 25th

It's Thursday - this is my last day at work this week as I'm taking Friday to Tuesday Off to Study for my CEBS exam which I am writing on Tuesday May 30th at 3:30 pm.

Today the scales said 223lbs. Funny how the day after I take the picture the scales go down.

My mind has not been kind to me lately. I keep reviewing the pictures of when I was 178lbs and remembering how good it felt to be there. I can't believe I'm back here over 200lbs again. It's slowly going down. Still, I thought I had learned my lesson in the past - weigh myself every day and keep on top of it. I had set 180lbs as my "danger sign" weight not to go over again, but I obviously failed. I have all these great clothes that I miss. I've only been below 200lbs for a very short time in my adult life - and I enjoyed going to "normal" stores.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to have the sales clerk ask if they can help you. You tell them a size greater then a 16-18 and they say "I'm sorry we don't carry those sizes" - even worse is when they avoid you because they know they can't help you. Stores such as the Gap are the worse of them all. The looks I have got in the the Gap. The poor sales people don't know what to do with someone who is a bigger size. They are usually young teenagers - immature, and not very sensitive to others, so they come up with some interesting comments!

At this size, I don't care so much about my clothes. I just want to look "nice". When I am at my lower weight I enjoy looking "GOOD!". As I got dressed today, I realized I didn't really care what I looked like. I'm still feeling "Big". When I saw the picture yesterday I sighed. I still don't look like me. I don't know who that woman in the picture is, but it's not me.

Namaste
B.