Thinking

I have been re-reading my past posts - were I was successful

Right now I am self- sabotaging - I've been buying a chocolate stash - and eating chocolate
I eat dessert every time I go out
I have been eating Croutons for a snack food - because it's easy
I have resisted all attempts to exercise
The idea of leaving the house some days are overwhelming
I just had a beautiful summer where I could have walked every day - and I did nothing
Today is 19 weeks since Philip was born - if I had just been good and lost only 2lbs a week I would have lost 38lbs to date.
Today I still weigh 247lbs - I did go down to 240lbs - but I put the 7lbs back on
I go back to work with Philip is 39 weeks old - that is in another 20 weeks. If I can muster up some courage and motivation and loose 2lbs a week - I can be 207lbs when I go back to work (or less). Not perfect, but much better than I am now - and fitting into some of my work wardrobe.

Chris is trying to be supportive - he has helped me make up meal plans
Bought foods I'm asking for
Read articles I've sent him
Got recipes for me
He's so good about supporting me
It's my own sabotaging behaviour that's got me in trouble here.
Why am I so addicted to the carbs?
Every time I'm successful its when I don't eat flour, sugar, white starch
It's a matter of choice
What is wrong with me!

Today I finished off my last chocolate bar in the "stash" while watching a weight loss show - How insane is that - I'm dreaming about loosing weight - being back to "Me" now - and I'm eating the one thing that will destroy that dream. The craving won out even while watching a motivational show.

Part of me wishes I could get onto one of those shows - I was watching X=weighted
I think I would be a good candidate - A great story for others in my position
I started gaining weight as a child with Knee injuries and have always been limited to what I could do with my knees - so there is a physical challenge to over come and still be active. I could show others that this is doable.
I've yo-yoed - have the pictures to prove it
I know I can succeed - as I have in the past - I just need to learn how not to fall off the wagon
And I know that the motivation of being on TV would ensure success - I always strive for public approval - and the extra help with the life coach would be great
Looked up X-weighed on Slice TV to find even if I wanted to participate I would not be accepted because I don't live in Toronto - I'm within an hours drive - but I don't live in the city.

The last time I fell off the wagon was my honeymoon - had desserts - as soon as that one week away with sugar hit me - I couldn't stop - it was like I was back on some sort of addicted drug like heroin. God - to know I'm 57lbs heavier then last year after doing all that work makes me so angry at myself - I know I had a baby - But that's just an excuse - people don't gain over 60lbs each time they have a baby - I did because I gave into my carb cravings. I feel like a looser - someone who can't get in control of such a simple thing - what my own hand puts into my own mouth.

If someone out there knows how I can get help in this - be my guest and tell me!