Today is Saturday August 30, 2014.  Life has taken me on a roller coaster ride since I posted in 2011.  I also today have my second bout of pneumonia since January of this year.  My body is very unhappy with me.

I was on the slow road to "recovery " in 2011, then in 2012 my Mother's health turned for the worse, and she died December 13, 2012.  Her last week in the hospital she was in great pain.  I spent every day there, holding her in my arms, caressing her, giving her all the love I could to ease the pain.  I lay in her hospital bed and stroked her hair, rubbed her legs and feet just held her close.  When she died I lost my best friend.  Something I didn't realize so acutely until she was gone.  When I was sad, I called my Mom, when I was happy, I called Mom.  Mom gave me advice on my kids and me being a Mom, when I was frustrated, I could call Mom, she listened, heard me and didn't judge.  Mom and I went clothes shopping together, we picked out decore together, we did a lot together.  We talked every Friday night.   She was that unconditional love in my life.  When that went, I was lost.

My weight sky rocketed up to 292lbs.  The highest it has ever been. I did all the right things, got grief counselling, journaled, read spiritual books.  

Even before Mom was ill, I was struggling, since the birth of Michael in 2010 I just didn't feel like me, low energy, sluggish.  I had low Iron from the pregnancy.  When I went for help in 2012, I was told it will pass and I am upset about my Mom's health,  when I went in 2013 I was told, it will pass and I am grieving.  Finally I got a new nurse practitioner, who reviewed my case, and she figured out I have been clinically depressed since 2010.

 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which was great, because it helped me know that I was not crazy for wanting to stay in bed all day and hide under the covers.... just depressed.   I was put on anti-depressants, and a fog lifted slow, it's still lifting, but I feel "happy".  I don't cry all the time, and I feel positive.  I still have low energy.... that is the weight and problems with my Iron.

I am now 282lbs.  Go the sleep clinic results, besides my normal sleep issues (born with some) I now have sleep apnea on top because of my weight and they want me to get one of those machines..... I am claustrophobic when things are placed over my face (those masks at the doctors office, a scarf, even if the sheet or blanket hits my fact at night, I'm freaking), I am not sure how I will handle a mask, or something on my face.

So I need to start again with the weight.  It is a life long journey I have had.  The anti-depressants are helping a lot.  I feel almost normal.  The tests are being done on what is going on with my Iron and blood work (my iron is not binding in my blood)

I have options out there, started to think about the surgical options.  I need to digest that for myself.  I don't know if that feels right for me.  A friend is having it in October, so I am going to watch, observe and listen to my intuition, what's right for me.

In the meantime, it's back up on the horse.  I know what I need to do.