I feel like a failure.

Chris is so angry at me for having pneumonia and promising year after year to get healthier with me always failing.  He says he lost faith in me.  He doesn't believe that I can do this.  He doesn't want me to die, but he thinks I don't value my health and I am lazy and just do nothing about it.

In my head all day I obsess on my weight,  I dream about food, think about food all the time.  They say sugar is the cocaine in food, and I believe them, I do have an addicted personality towards foods with sugar.  I make plan after plan after plan on how this time it will be different.  But who am I kidding, maybe I am the failure Chris sees.

I got that spark started this weekend, thinking of bringing up the juicer to get better nutrients in me.  I sat back and took Deep look at my life.  I want healthy lungs, I want to be able to play with my kids and get on the ride at Canada's Wonderland with them..  I felt enthused, this time I can do it.  I started the blog to keep me publically accountable.  I had a spark inside.

I even started fantasizing about buying a Dog, because people walk dogs, and I like the idea of a function of going to walk a dog.

How can I make it work this time?  I do want to live a long life, I do want to raise my kids.

Why am I such  a failure at this?  I've been a failure since the 1970's when I went on my first diet at age 10.  I have a university degree, I have all the tools and knowledge.  What is wrong with me?

Chris is afraid, so I am.  He is so angry at me.  I just stared at Chris.  I don't have any answers.  I want to say I will be successful, that this time is it, but if I fail again, then what?  I feel dull inside, empty, sad.  I feel ashamed, guilty.  I feel defeated.

**accurate**  so says Chris.

Chris read the blog and made the comment above.  He then said he would be right back.  I was waiting to continue the conversation.  He then let me know he was tired and going to bed, so he left.  I am here alone on the coach.

I am reacting to his disappointment in me.  I understand it, I am disappointed in me too.


What was I hoping for?  I was hoping for a positive attitude, we are a team, and yes together we can do this.  I wanted an infections team energy of how he was positive, in my corner, and yes I can do this.  I wanted a cheer leader.

I got a dose of reality.  He doesn't want to be my cheer leader.  He just wants me to change on my own, but he doesn't believe in me anymore.

It took my internal energy down from soaring high on plans, high on "I can do this", down to doubt.  I am not angry at him.  I am just sad and alone.

He is supportive, he will buy the groceries I ask for, he will ensure I have what I need in the house.  There won't be any cleansing of sugary cereals, treats etc... as Chris believes just because I have a problem the rest of them shouldn't have to suffer.

I wanted him to come home from this weekend and be with me.  Hold my hand, ask me how I feel, give me a hug.  I wanted him to be positive, open, sit with me.
I got his speech and I've sat alone 99% of the time since they've come back from Parry Sound.  Now I am alone digesting the speech.  And if I look down deep inside I just feel lonely.

I feel like I went from on Top of the World to Punched in the Gut.

Fat people are lazy losers who do this to themselves.  Fat people are expensive in our health care system.  Fat people can't get life insurance or fit on a plane.  Fat people should be taxed for their poor habits.  China won't let fat people adopt their babies as they are not healthy people to raise children.  I am one of those fat people.  I am less in this world.  and tonight I feel it profoundly.  I am worth less because I'm fat.  I am not a good part of this world.  I am part of the worlds problems, the worlds diseases, and the "unfit" in the world of Darwin to continue the human species.  There is no place for me here.

How do I become thin and healthy and acceptable?  How do I fit into society?  How do I live and not die?

How do I get that spark back that I had earlier today, were I felt like I could do anything?  How do I maintain the spark and not go back down into despair.  Knowing the person who loves you the most has no faith in you, that really put doubt in my head, if he can't believe in me how can I?  He's right.  I fail over and over and over and over again.  The only thing I am good at is going off the wagon and starting the cycle again and again.

If I know how to succeed I would have done it by now.

I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that.  I would just go into coughing spasms and not be able to breathe.