Saturday June 10th

Today the scales still say 218.5lbs. Same as last Saturday.

Yesterday was a difficult day emotionally with food. A coworker turned 30, and the office filled up with cookies, squares and double fudge chocolate cake all before 10:30am. The smell of the chocolate cake was amazing! I kept going by the desk and breathing in deeply, taking in the aroma!

I could feel my skin crawling from the inside out with cravings for that chocolate cake. My head was saying "don't ruin the success you have had so far" - Being "stuck" for the last week didn't help either. Not moving down from 218 for 7 days and even moving up slightly had me feeling defeated inside. I had to keep reminding myself that I'm moving away from 234 not towards it again.

I won the battle of the mind and body. I did not eat the chocolate cake, or the cookies or the squares. I ate my salad at my desk and plunged myself into my work.

Then dinner came. We went out with Chris's family to a tex-mex restaurant then to see the Divinci code movie. By now my cravings were through the roof after resisting chocolate cake all day. I could not face another salad, and didn't see a salad on the menu I liked, so I had the ribs with baked beans. I know, the calories must have been incredible. The ribs were very fatty, so I didn't eat much of them at all. I tried to stay away from the fat. But I know I ate too much as I was full at the end of the meal (Sleepy full).

It's interesting what people say to me when I say "no" to food. I said "no" last week to ice cream that was offered telling them I was not eating that type of food as I want to loose weight to get back to "me", and they scoffed at me. Told me I only live once, and life is not worth dieting through and I should go for the ice cream its good for the soul. (I still resisted).

With the cake yesterday I got a comment that "birthday's don't happen often, it's a good time to let my guard down and eat the cake to enjoy life".

The only problem is, that every day I could find a reason to celebrate. In the past I have! In January/February I would have said yes to the ice cream, yes to the cake, yes to the chips and dip, yes to everything that I was eating as part of the celebration of life. Look where it got me? I gained 60lbs by saying "yes". I lost myself into a body I don't recognize that is unhealthy and pear shaped. I'm a walking advertisement for potential stroke, heart attack, diabetes and they are telling me life is short I should eat cake? The cake will definitely make sure that my life is short - that is true enough!

Life is short - 80 years goes by in a flash.
I look at the people I've known in my life time. My grandparents who were born around 1896 would be 110 years old if they were alive. My parents are in their mid 70's. I am older then my mother and father when they first had a child. I can reflect on their lives and see the passage of time going quickly. One moment it is 1975 the next moment 1985 which flows to 95 to today.. Time goes quickly. One day passes into the next. It never stops. Time is a speeding bullet train going fast - faster then one can imagine. Do you think that someone who reaches the age of 100 is "old" inside? They are the same as you and me regardless if you and I are 13 years old, 38 years old or 57 years old. The core of who they are, their life experience is the same. Do they want to end life? Do I want to end life? My answer is "no". So why would I eat the cake? Break down my body sooner so that I am guaranteed to die younger.

Humans don't live a long time in the grand scheme of life. History is short. And I only have a moment here then I'm gone. How do I want to feel about me during this moment? How can I maximize this moment and enjoy it? Is the cake, the cookies enjoying the moment or shortening the moment? Or is it slow suicide?

Namaste
B.