Thursday

Well it's Thursday - the scales say 195lbs still

I've been struggling with wanting to binge eat - I have cravings just to eat everything in site, I'm especially craving carbs - crackers, bread. I've had a few crackers around the house, but I've resisted 95% of the time. It hits me mostly at night around 7pm - after dinner. I find myself pacing over the the kitchen then telling myself to walk away again.

On Saturaday I'm going for the wedding dress fitting. I keep that in mind!

Namaste

B.

Chart

Wednesday Weigh in

Hello All

Today the scales said 195 lbs

Going to keep this short as I'm getting ready for work. I think I said it all in yesterday's blog.

Namaste
B.

Tuesday

Well it's Tuesday August 29th.

Today the scale said 195lbs

This past weekend we went to Parry Sound to Visit Chris's Mom and Step Dad. Unfortunately Chris ended up having to work from his lap top most of the weekend as there was a server failure. We left Sunday morning after breakfast so chris could work from home.

On Monday I woke up very dizzy, not feeling very well. I was too dizzy to drive 45 minutes into work. I went to the walk in clinic - he thinks I have a viral infection - told me to rest for a couple of days. Today I'm dizzy with a headache - but as the day goes by I'm having more energy - I slept to 10:00 a.m. and that helped.

I'm still frustrated about my weight. I "should" have been 192 this Wednesday if I had kept on track. I just finished sorting out my wardrobe in my closets - so much more fits, but I know when I'm 180lbs everything fits - only 15lbs to go for an entire woredrobe that fits.

Well, that's all that is new today - I find staring at the computer makes me more dizzy - so I'm off to lie down again.

Hope everybody is having a great week!

Namaste
B.

Back to Frustrated

I can't see to win the last couple of weeks

Back up to 197lbs this morning - what the Hell! In 10lbs I can wear most of my clothes again.

I have plans to wear a dress for my rehursal dinner that won't fit if I don't ge the 10lbs off

I don't have the money to buy clothes for these things - Every penny is going into the wedding - I don't have any money left over for my clothes. By the next pay cheque I have less than $100.00 in the bank as I've put it all to wedding funds and bills.

I'm frustrated, angry, pissed off with myself, with my body - why couldn't it just level out in 10lbs - if I was stuck at 187lbs I could live with that.

This sucks

B.

Thursday - getting better

Today is Thursday and the scale said 196lbs

So it's going back down

At 2lbs a week I should be at 194lbs - so I'm 2lbs behind

I'm being very careful with the calorie count - and took out breads that I starting adding back in.

I hope I can get to 190lbs for September 2nd dress fitting.

I went for my 5km walk yesterday

Today it's going to rain - I'll go to the mall and walk around - still need to get shoes for the wedding anyhow - as well as pick up some more vitamins.

Namaste

B.

Still Frustrated

Well it's wednesday - usually "picture day" - but I don't have the heart to take a picture of me heavier - it's too discouraging

I'm still 197.5 to 198lbs

Yesterday I had 160 calories for breakfast, 200 calories for lunch, 600 calories at dinner for a total of 960 calories (maximum) - plus I walked 5km yesterday.

So far I've had 150 calories for breakfast, and I brought 230 calories for lunch, I hope the weather holds out for my 5km walk at lunch.

Namaste
B.

Tuesday August 22nd - Frustrated

Well it's Tuesday. I didn't post yesterday because I was upset with myself. The scales have gone UP to 197.5 to 198llbs (ouch)

This weekend I had the cottage party

On Saturday I ate

Raw Veggies, Yogurt and Fresh Fruit for dinner/breakfast
snaked on Raw Veggies and Fruit
Had Corn, Salad with low calorie dressing and Pork Tenderloin for dinner
Then the bad part - I ate a hotdogs at midnight :(

On Sunday I had
Yogurt and fresh fruit for lunch/breakfast
Chicken, Corn and Low Calorie Salad dressing on Salad for dinner

Then Monday I had
Cottage Cheese, Cheese Stick, Yogurt (200 calories in Total) for Breakfast
Same For lunch (Cottage cheese, Cheese Stick, Yogurt) for Lunch
Then I knew was going out for dinner - had Salad with a chicken breast on top, some goat cheese and roasted garlic
I also walked for 5km on Monday

Still the scales don't move - I actually saw 198lbs and 197.5lbs this morning - heart sinking
So I limited breakfast to cottage cheese and a cheese stick (160 calories)

Then I realized that I've done a "life style" change that may have affected my weight - I've actually gone off the birth control pill and my body is going insane!! I'm wondering if that is my problem? or have I plateaued?

The thing is, I'm getting closer to the wedding dress fitting (less than 2 weeks) and I had my hopes set on being 190lbs for that fitting - to be so close and not get there more then frustrates me - it's starting to consume my every thought - I so want to be "me" on my wedding day - look like me - have no regrets with the pictures - here I sit stuck and frustrated

I feel soo guilty for that hot dog you can't even imagine!

Namaste
B.

Friday - Quick update

Well it's friday and the scales still say 196.5lbs

I've gone for walks the last couple of days for 5km each day.

This weekend we are up at the cottage - will need to watch what I eat and find something active to do each day. It's difficult because of the mining trucks we can't go for long walks - only can do the short walk to the road and back for safety (and we are not allowed to walk on the mine road).

This weekend is the 20th annual cottage party - looking forward to it!

I hope everybody has a great weekend

Namaste
B.

Chart

Wednesday weigh in

Well today the scales said 196.5lbs

I am 0.5lbs heavier then I wanted to be - only loosing 1.5lbs instead of 2lbs from last week.

This frustrates me as I am getting closer to the wedding dress fitting on September 2nd and I wanted to be a minimum of 190lbs for that day. Any slow down makes me annoyed.

I guess I need to focus on the fact that the scales keep going DOWN and that's the positive thing and that the dress already fits, and that my face is becoming thinner so I'm recognising myself in the mirror. I'm so close to wearing all my old wardrobe - only about 10lbs and 95% will fit.

I know I'm obsessing a bit about this. Just need to relax a bit more.

Well, it's 7:32am on my clock - I have to run to work.

I hope you are all having a great Wednesday. The weather is beautiful out there - I'll get to go for my 5km walk at lunch. (Yesterday I walked 5km at lunch and 5km in the evening with Chris). Tonight my parents are visiting for Dinner. We are going to take them downtown to see the waterfront at dinner, and drive by the hall where the wedding will be held.

Namaste

B.

Tuesday

Hello Everybody

The last two days the scale has hovered around 197 and 196.5lbs

I do get annoyed when I see it go up half a pound - I'm more frustrated now that I'm closer to my goal - and the wedding is getting closer too!

Hope everybody is going to have a good Tuesday - need to run and go to work

Namaste

B.

Sunday Morning

Today the scales said 196.5lbs this morning

I'm up early for a Sunday - that cats walked on my head this morning - I guess they were hungry (smile) now I'm wide awake.

Yesterday we did some wedding shopping. Got gifts for the groomsmen, and picked up the order of gifts for the bridesmaids. We booked an appointment for the guys to pick out their tuxes today at 1:00pm. Finished brainstorming on the ceremony ideas and decorations.

Today we are looking for wishing wells and Julie's flower arrangement items.

Last night the crew went drinking (Erik, Gus, Julie and Chris) I was the designated driver (so I was totally sober) - The thing about being sober is you remember what all the drunks said! LOL We got home around midnight and crashed. I don't mind being the designated driver. I'm not really overly found of alcohol. On occasion I like a drink or two - about once a year I get a bit tipsy on alcohol - but overall - I'm not really in the mood for it.

It's no secret that I'm loosing weight and the calories in alcohol are huge! In addition to that, I'm getting my body cleansed for baby making. At 38 Chris and I decided to start trying for children sooner rather than later. So I'm not having any alcohol, I cut out my herbal medicines that have warnings to pregnant women etc... so I'm healthy in all ways for a baby to grow.

I will not publish on this blog when I actually get pregnant for 3 months (as you never know what could happen) - but after 3 months of pregnancy I'm pretty sure this blog will change it's focus (Smile) - the trick will be to stick to healthy weight gain for a baby! Not to use a pregnancy as an excuse for chocolate cravings, and binge eating! I am thinking of a baby as a bigger excuse to fill my diet up with lean meats, fruits and vegetables to ensure a healthy body for both of us!

Anyhow that's what's going through my head on a Sunday morning

I hope you all are having a great weekend

Namaste

B.

Saturday Wedding Shopping

Today the scales said 197lbs

Today is "wedding shopping" day - getting the tuxes picked out, finish picking up decorations - it's all coming together now!

We are 90% done and ready for D-day ;)

I hope everybody has a great weekend

Namaste
B.

TGIF

Hello All

Today the scales said 197.5lbs

I didn't get to my blog this morning as Fridays are early mornings for me (I work 7:30am to 3:30pm on Fridays)

The last two days people have been coming up to me at work asking "have you lost weight" - I seemed to have hit the threshold where people are noticing - they say it's starting to show in my face - which means I'm closer to looking "like me" again (smile - not that I can't look "like me" - but I am happier when my face is smaller).

I did my 5km walk at lunch today

I was thinking loosing weight is the hardest "easiest" thing I've ever done. I'm a grown woman - I understand calories in equal calories out. I know sugar, fried foods, white flour etc.. add up quicker than fruit, veggies, chicken and low fat cheese. Still, the emotional internal battle is where I struggle. The use of food to drug myself - to feel better and the pure joy of eating pastries, chocolate, fried whatever, hamburgers with cheese oozing out the sides, gravy's and BBQ sauces with 5 million calories smothering meat, it's all so decantly good in the mouth.... but that's how I got here in the first place - by choosing pleasure over nutrician. The battle still rages inside me - the cravings - the "I wants" or "I needs" (especially when there is cake or dessert involved). A simple "no" feels good in the long run, but in the short run my brain attempts to make up every excuse possible to say "yes".

Namaste
B.

Thursday

Today the scales said 197.5lbs

I'm happy with my success - every day I have to remind myself that each mouthful counts. I think that is where I had difficulties in the past. I would tell myself it was a special occassion, or just "one bite" (which lead to 2, 3, 4 bites) would not hurt me. Yesterday at work I was offered Peach Pie and a chocolate bar. Both looked amazing (especially the peach pie) I had to walk away reminding myself internally that each choice counts and they add up over time, keeping one foot in front of the other.

Yesterday I went for my 5km walk. Golf was cancelled, so I didn't get to play yesterday.

Today at work I'm at an off site meeting - so I won't be able to get to my walk at lunch. It's suppose to start raining around noon today anyhow.

Hope everybody has a great Thursday!

Namaste

B.

Chart

Wednesday Picture 198lbs

Today the scales said 198lbs

Seemed to catch myself in the morning Sun

Yesterday I did my 5km walk at lunch

Overall a good day yesterday (though weird full moon day at work)

Hope everybody enjoys Wednesday

Namaste

B.

Back to Work

Well it's Tuesday - and I'm back to work after 6 days off.

Today the scales said 199lbs.

I had a great few days off - the weather was beautiful, we swam and went for a walk up at the cottage. Mom and I went shopping, and I even got a chance to try on the wedding dress in Peterborough and it fits nicely!

It's going to be another beautiful day out there, a high of 23C.

I'm not really looking forward to going back to work - I'd rather be out on the deck reading my book, going for a swim

With that said, Colin (my brother in law) is bringing up his 7 nieces and nephews to the cottage and they are more than a hand full - I'd rather avoid them, so work looks good compared 7 kids!

Hope everybody else had a great long weekend.

Namaste

B.

Friday - on Holidays

Well it's Friday - This is my third day off work - it's going too fast!

Today the scale said 199.5lbs - MY FIRST "1" which is amazing in itself.

I've slowly started to introduce bread back into my diet in small quantities. I'm hesitating with pasta as I know how easy it is for me to over do the pasta once I start.

It's been a conscious journey of choices. Going out and choosing salad with dressing on the side. The other day when we went out for dinner there was escargo in butter with cheese on the menu - I love escargo! Instead I choose the shrimp cocktail to start. It was low in fat, low in calories and still tasted good. But the escargo looked amazing! I then had a salad with a piece of grilled chicken on top. All about making better choices and realizing that satisfying the craving for butter would cost me more than it was worth. Each bite adds up.

I don't know why I am more motivated now then I was 6 months ago. Even a year ago I swore to control myself and get the weight off. I just could not break through the wall until this spring.
I wander what it is, inside of me that changed. It's like an internal switch went off and I am able to say "no" to high caloried, high fat, high sugared food and make better choices with what I eat. Before the cravings won. I'd just have a small taste, or I'd decide I'm celebrating, so I need to have it.

With the wedding showers I was okay with tasting the icing of the cake they made us with my fingers and not eating a piece of cake. It felt liberating to say "no" and know I could prioritize my health and wellbeing over food, even food that was celebrating "me".

I got a much more satisfied feeling inside by staying healthy then I would have if I gave in and ate the cake out of celebration. I felt "happier" with me and my choice.

Now, each day is adding up. Each choice, each mouthful of good food has a "1" in front of my weight again. In 15 pounds 99% of my old wardrobe will fit. in 20lbs 100% of my wardrobe will fit. It feels so good to be closer to fitting then not fitting!

I'm not concerned about not recognizing myself in my own wedding pictures
I'm not concerned about the dress
I'm not as concerned about my health (though it will be another 15 pounds before I move from an "Obese" Body Mass Index (BMI) to an "overweight" BMI)

We will be off to the cottage until Monday night. I will see you on this blog next Tuesday morning when it's "Back to work" time.

Namaste
B.

Thursday

Hello Everybody

The scale today and yesterday said 200lbs

Yesterday I spent 8 hours cleaning my house as I thought my sister and brother in law were dropping by. Colin (my brother in law) has never seen the house or where we live.

My sister is alergic to cats, so I spent the entire day scrubbing, vaccuming, cleaning so that she could be the most comfortable she could be for 20 minutes here.

I even cleaned the back patio so she could be comfortable outside

In the end they decided not to come - Colin's only comment is "I hate cats"

All that work for nothing

Vicki said she would see the house at the wedding

Of course they are going to see their friends grandmother who they don't know - I guess she doesn't have cats

We did have a nice dinner at a restaurant down town - they stayed in a hotel - they are going out again with other friends for lunch instead of dropping by (yes I'm bitter I spent 8 hours cleaning for them)

Anyhow they may or may not read this blog and figure it out

It's been a pattern all our lives - I should not expect anything different

But I'm still annoyed.

Namaste
B.

Chart 200lbs

Hello

Yesterday was a busy day, so I didn't get a chance to blogg and do the picture. I'll probably be away from the Blog until next Tuesday.

Here is the chart

Tuesday- Friday

Happy Friday (Tuesday) - I've got Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off work this week, so today is my friday

I stepped on the scales this morning and it went back and forth between 201lbs and 200.5lbs.

We went out to dinner last night at Manhattans - then for a long walk along the lake front for about an hour and a half - it was VERY hot! Enjoyed the walk still.

Hope everybody has a great Tuesday

Namaste

B.