Celiac

Celiac

Diagnosed celiac.
The only symptom i didnt have was weight loss
Looking at the Keto diets now

I just had one of the most profound experiences of my life.  My friend Elyzabeth was diagnosed with an illness, which we expected would take years to manifest itself.  Instead it took months.  On Thursday and Friday of this week I spent my days with her as she transitioned into the spiritual world.  She died Saturday morning at 9am with her daughter at her side.  I was further honoured to spend afternoon with her husband Glenn and others at the end of the day.

During the last two days of Elyzabeth's time on earth she talked to me about my weight, and her own journey with weight.  About my health, and her health.  In that time the promise I gave to her was to become healthy.  She always inspired me in life, and she will continue to inspire me in spirit.

Love you girl!
Betsy

So it is day 16 of Pneumonia.

New heavy duty antibiotics playing havoc with my intestines, don't need to cleanse.

Down to 275lbs.  When I weighed myself on August 18th after coming back from vacation I was 286 lbs (I had gained 5 lbs on my vacation before I went on vacation on August 1st I was 281 lbs).

Down 11 lbs without even trying.

Okay, so the Pneumonia has given me a good kick start, but I'd rather slow this down now and feel better.

I am eating yogurt, banana's, juice, protein powder, apples, managed to get some pizza cheese sticks into me (soft and cheesy, easy to chew).

Now I'm not the most active person in the world these days, but 16 days of either sitting completely still (if I move I cough) or at night propped up by 7 pillows and two comforters so I don't lie down to sleep (or I cough), I am feeling fed up with not moving.

I look outside and see a nice Fall day, good walking weather, no bugs.  I walked to the bathroom (probably about 15-20 paces) and I was doubled over coughing.

So today I am day dreaming about exercise and getting that into my routine again.  Of course I am enthused, and day dreaming is frustrating when I am in the mood to just "Do it".

Still really sick with pneumonia.  I am on my second type of antibiotics.

On the up side I don't have any appetite whatsoever!

Good time to reflect.

Even though I am sick, I am using my daily log book for my calories and food intake.  Gives me an idea of how I am doing.  Right now I am not eating enough, but I am drinking tonnes of water.  I just can't stomach food.  I haven't had meat since August 23rd.  I am having protein shakes to ensure I get some protein, and I have had veggie juice drinks, apples, bananas and yogurt.

I am feeling more optimistic again.  Pneumonia probably has made me more grouchy and moody then normal.  Sleep deprivation also adds to it.

Back onto a positive outlook:  What's good about this situation:

1. Cleansed myself whether I like it or not LOL
2. Drinking tonnes of water
3. Lost 3lbs (now 279)
4. Made my first goal! Got out of the "80's" and into the "70's"  To break it into small numbers, I set my goals in sets of 10.  My current goal is now getting out of the 70's.  I met the goal of getting out of the 80's.
5. Chris and I have talked, my priority life focus is for me to get healthy, it trumps work, family, friends, and husband I put my health first each and every day.

I feel like a failure.

Chris is so angry at me for having pneumonia and promising year after year to get healthier with me always failing.  He says he lost faith in me.  He doesn't believe that I can do this.  He doesn't want me to die, but he thinks I don't value my health and I am lazy and just do nothing about it.

In my head all day I obsess on my weight,  I dream about food, think about food all the time.  They say sugar is the cocaine in food, and I believe them, I do have an addicted personality towards foods with sugar.  I make plan after plan after plan on how this time it will be different.  But who am I kidding, maybe I am the failure Chris sees.

I got that spark started this weekend, thinking of bringing up the juicer to get better nutrients in me.  I sat back and took Deep look at my life.  I want healthy lungs, I want to be able to play with my kids and get on the ride at Canada's Wonderland with them..  I felt enthused, this time I can do it.  I started the blog to keep me publically accountable.  I had a spark inside.

I even started fantasizing about buying a Dog, because people walk dogs, and I like the idea of a function of going to walk a dog.

How can I make it work this time?  I do want to live a long life, I do want to raise my kids.

Why am I such  a failure at this?  I've been a failure since the 1970's when I went on my first diet at age 10.  I have a university degree, I have all the tools and knowledge.  What is wrong with me?

Chris is afraid, so I am.  He is so angry at me.  I just stared at Chris.  I don't have any answers.  I want to say I will be successful, that this time is it, but if I fail again, then what?  I feel dull inside, empty, sad.  I feel ashamed, guilty.  I feel defeated.

**accurate**  so says Chris.

Chris read the blog and made the comment above.  He then said he would be right back.  I was waiting to continue the conversation.  He then let me know he was tired and going to bed, so he left.  I am here alone on the coach.

I am reacting to his disappointment in me.  I understand it, I am disappointed in me too.


What was I hoping for?  I was hoping for a positive attitude, we are a team, and yes together we can do this.  I wanted an infections team energy of how he was positive, in my corner, and yes I can do this.  I wanted a cheer leader.

I got a dose of reality.  He doesn't want to be my cheer leader.  He just wants me to change on my own, but he doesn't believe in me anymore.

It took my internal energy down from soaring high on plans, high on "I can do this", down to doubt.  I am not angry at him.  I am just sad and alone.

He is supportive, he will buy the groceries I ask for, he will ensure I have what I need in the house.  There won't be any cleansing of sugary cereals, treats etc... as Chris believes just because I have a problem the rest of them shouldn't have to suffer.

I wanted him to come home from this weekend and be with me.  Hold my hand, ask me how I feel, give me a hug.  I wanted him to be positive, open, sit with me.
I got his speech and I've sat alone 99% of the time since they've come back from Parry Sound.  Now I am alone digesting the speech.  And if I look down deep inside I just feel lonely.

I feel like I went from on Top of the World to Punched in the Gut.

Fat people are lazy losers who do this to themselves.  Fat people are expensive in our health care system.  Fat people can't get life insurance or fit on a plane.  Fat people should be taxed for their poor habits.  China won't let fat people adopt their babies as they are not healthy people to raise children.  I am one of those fat people.  I am less in this world.  and tonight I feel it profoundly.  I am worth less because I'm fat.  I am not a good part of this world.  I am part of the worlds problems, the worlds diseases, and the "unfit" in the world of Darwin to continue the human species.  There is no place for me here.

How do I become thin and healthy and acceptable?  How do I fit into society?  How do I live and not die?

How do I get that spark back that I had earlier today, were I felt like I could do anything?  How do I maintain the spark and not go back down into despair.  Knowing the person who loves you the most has no faith in you, that really put doubt in my head, if he can't believe in me how can I?  He's right.  I fail over and over and over and over again.  The only thing I am good at is going off the wagon and starting the cycle again and again.

If I know how to succeed I would have done it by now.

I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that.  I would just go into coughing spasms and not be able to breathe.

Today's movie was "Hungry for Change"  very good motivator.  It's up on Netflix if people are looking for motivation.

http://www.hungryforchange.tv/

Protein shakes

So as I am reflecting today, I have to say that the one key to success I have had in the past is protein shakes.

I have spent a lot of time looking at protein shake products from on line sources, speciality stores, diet plans such as herbal magic and network marketing. The best one I found was at COSTCO, yes you heard that correct, good old COSTCO.

Kaizen wey protein  has 35 g of protein and NO sugar (they use stevia/sucrolose).  It is gluten free.  It is 150 calories per scoop and you can mix it with water and it tastes good!  Now I only get the chocolate.  I can't rate any other flavour.

This  makes it easy for breakfast,  I keep some at work, so if I am working late I don't have to go to the vending machine to get some food.  If I use this routine, it works for me (of course I have not been doing this of late, and as such I am 282lbs).  Back in the days of under 200lbs this was my regular way of eating.

Web site is http://www.kaizenprotein.com/index2.html

Reflection time

Today is Sunday August 31, 2014.  The one thing about having pneumonia is that even though I am all gong ho to start "doing" something (exercise) I am held back to reflect as currently today I can't walk three feet without coughing until I throw up.  So reflection it is.

Now here is the thing, the basics of weight loss is a very simple calculation.  Everybody, I mean everybody  knows this calculation and every weight loss solution is based on the exact same principle.  Calories in verses Calories out.  That's it, that's the magic formula.

So the first thing I need to do is really get a system for calories.  You can count them, or eat low carb, lots of veggies, or group foods to so many a day (which is grouping calories).  Herbal Magic has a chart where they group foods to so many a day (grouping calories).  Weight Watchers give foods points (calorie points).

I am just going straight to calorie counting.  Now to loose weight at my current weight I should reduce to about 1200 calories a day.  So here is what I came up with as a check off chart:

Daily Calorie Chart

Calorie Count	Totals	Food List
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	100
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	200
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	300
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	400
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	500
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	600
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	700
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	800
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	900
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	1000
Optional 200
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	1100
□ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10 □ 10	1200

The premise is I broke down each calorie into groups of 100 and sub groups of ten (10).  I write the foods I am eating on the right hand side, and check off the calorie check boxes on the left hand side.  This will make me measure and be more aware of the calories in food.

I put the last 200 calories as optional calories.... now what that means to me is where I can not be as restrictive.  For example, many skinny people drink, or have the odd treat etc... When I step back and look at those who do, I realize that their total daily calories are not greater, but they fit these things into their calorie lifestyle.  So I can choose to use the 200 calories for a alcoholic beverage at the cottage one day, or I can choose to use the 200 calories for someone's birthday cake (small taste)  or I can choose to use the 200 calories as part of my normal food day with fruits, veggies, protein, dairy etc...

It is just a reminder at the bottom that I have a choice as to what I put in my mouth, and with that, I can build into a normal eating habit "treats" or calories that won't start me binging or put me off the rails, as I built it into my daily check list.

Once all the boxes are ticked off, I stop eating until the next day.  That's the key.  To log my food, check off the calories, and stop when its time to stop.

I am now working on a list of common foods I eat and their calorie count so I have a guide based on "me".  I also have the calorie counting books, but it will be easier for me if I have a guide for the day to day food that is part of my diet, and I can use the calorie counting book for when I am eating out, or have something new placed in front of me outside the norm.

I have to be prepared to eat differently then what is on the table in front of me.  For example, my brother in law Gus lives here, he cooks two to three meals a week.  His basic recipes are lots of cheese on noodles (cheap to make, kid friendly)  but very high in fat, carbs and calories.  So I have to choose to eat differently that night and not what is served at the table.

One of my other knowings is if I cut down on carbs and sugars I feel better.  So my choices I am making for breakfast, lunch and dinner will be a lower carb, low to no sugar choice.  A low Glycemic Index food approach.

Today is Saturday August 30, 2014.  Life has taken me on a roller coaster ride since I posted in 2011.  I also today have my second bout of pneumonia since January of this year.  My body is very unhappy with me.

I was on the slow road to "recovery " in 2011, then in 2012 my Mother's health turned for the worse, and she died December 13, 2012.  Her last week in the hospital she was in great pain.  I spent every day there, holding her in my arms, caressing her, giving her all the love I could to ease the pain.  I lay in her hospital bed and stroked her hair, rubbed her legs and feet just held her close.  When she died I lost my best friend.  Something I didn't realize so acutely until she was gone.  When I was sad, I called my Mom, when I was happy, I called Mom.  Mom gave me advice on my kids and me being a Mom, when I was frustrated, I could call Mom, she listened, heard me and didn't judge.  Mom and I went clothes shopping together, we picked out decore together, we did a lot together.  We talked every Friday night.   She was that unconditional love in my life.  When that went, I was lost.

My weight sky rocketed up to 292lbs.  The highest it has ever been. I did all the right things, got grief counselling, journaled, read spiritual books.  

Even before Mom was ill, I was struggling, since the birth of Michael in 2010 I just didn't feel like me, low energy, sluggish.  I had low Iron from the pregnancy.  When I went for help in 2012, I was told it will pass and I am upset about my Mom's health,  when I went in 2013 I was told, it will pass and I am grieving.  Finally I got a new nurse practitioner, who reviewed my case, and she figured out I have been clinically depressed since 2010.

 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which was great, because it helped me know that I was not crazy for wanting to stay in bed all day and hide under the covers.... just depressed.   I was put on anti-depressants, and a fog lifted slow, it's still lifting, but I feel "happy".  I don't cry all the time, and I feel positive.  I still have low energy.... that is the weight and problems with my Iron.

I am now 282lbs.  Go the sleep clinic results, besides my normal sleep issues (born with some) I now have sleep apnea on top because of my weight and they want me to get one of those machines..... I am claustrophobic when things are placed over my face (those masks at the doctors office, a scarf, even if the sheet or blanket hits my fact at night, I'm freaking), I am not sure how I will handle a mask, or something on my face.

So I need to start again with the weight.  It is a life long journey I have had.  The anti-depressants are helping a lot.  I feel almost normal.  The tests are being done on what is going on with my Iron and blood work (my iron is not binding in my blood)

I have options out there, started to think about the surgical options.  I need to digest that for myself.  I don't know if that feels right for me.  A friend is having it in October, so I am going to watch, observe and listen to my intuition, what's right for me.

In the meantime, it's back up on the horse.  I know what I need to do.

2011 update

Well a lot happed in the last few years.
From November 2008 to July 2009 I lost the weight and got under 200lbs again.
I got preganant with my second son Michael who was born on March 7, 2010. During that time I put all the weight back on again.
Throughout 2010 I went up and down 10 lbs.
As of January 3, 2011 I was 261lbs (sigh)
But the good news is as of today February 10, 2011 I am 245.5lbs. So I have lost 15.5 pounds and I am back into a good head space so I know it is coming off.

As I am not having any more children (I will be 43 in a week) I will be able to keep my body in control.

Here we go again... this time it is going to stick

Namaste
B

Labourday Weekend 2008

Well, overall I have to say nothing much has changed

I have gone through a few weeks where I have had motivation and ate well, exercized

Then for some reason it seems to fall apart on my

Still the same weight I was after Philip was born - nothing has changed.

Inside I feel thin

Why am I not on the outside?

What is holding me back?

Thinking

I have been re-reading my past posts - were I was successful

Right now I am self- sabotaging - I've been buying a chocolate stash - and eating chocolate
I eat dessert every time I go out
I have been eating Croutons for a snack food - because it's easy
I have resisted all attempts to exercise
The idea of leaving the house some days are overwhelming
I just had a beautiful summer where I could have walked every day - and I did nothing
Today is 19 weeks since Philip was born - if I had just been good and lost only 2lbs a week I would have lost 38lbs to date.
Today I still weigh 247lbs - I did go down to 240lbs - but I put the 7lbs back on
I go back to work with Philip is 39 weeks old - that is in another 20 weeks. If I can muster up some courage and motivation and loose 2lbs a week - I can be 207lbs when I go back to work (or less). Not perfect, but much better than I am now - and fitting into some of my work wardrobe.

Chris is trying to be supportive - he has helped me make up meal plans
Bought foods I'm asking for
Read articles I've sent him
Got recipes for me
He's so good about supporting me
It's my own sabotaging behaviour that's got me in trouble here.
Why am I so addicted to the carbs?
Every time I'm successful its when I don't eat flour, sugar, white starch
It's a matter of choice
What is wrong with me!

Today I finished off my last chocolate bar in the "stash" while watching a weight loss show - How insane is that - I'm dreaming about loosing weight - being back to "Me" now - and I'm eating the one thing that will destroy that dream. The craving won out even while watching a motivational show.

Part of me wishes I could get onto one of those shows - I was watching X=weighted
I think I would be a good candidate - A great story for others in my position
I started gaining weight as a child with Knee injuries and have always been limited to what I could do with my knees - so there is a physical challenge to over come and still be active. I could show others that this is doable.
I've yo-yoed - have the pictures to prove it
I know I can succeed - as I have in the past - I just need to learn how not to fall off the wagon
And I know that the motivation of being on TV would ensure success - I always strive for public approval - and the extra help with the life coach would be great
Looked up X-weighed on Slice TV to find even if I wanted to participate I would not be accepted because I don't live in Toronto - I'm within an hours drive - but I don't live in the city.

The last time I fell off the wagon was my honeymoon - had desserts - as soon as that one week away with sugar hit me - I couldn't stop - it was like I was back on some sort of addicted drug like heroin. God - to know I'm 57lbs heavier then last year after doing all that work makes me so angry at myself - I know I had a baby - But that's just an excuse - people don't gain over 60lbs each time they have a baby - I did because I gave into my carb cravings. I feel like a looser - someone who can't get in control of such a simple thing - what my own hand puts into my own mouth.

If someone out there knows how I can get help in this - be my guest and tell me!

Philip 3 weeksold July 2007

Philip Videos

slowly going down

Well, slowly the weight is coming off

Today I weighed 247.5lbs

I've cut out sugar for 2 weeks now

My arthritis in my knee has really flared up - so I'm finding stairs and walking difficult - It will get easier as the weight comes off I know.

Not feeling like taking any pictures of me at this stage - I just cling on to the fact that I will slowly emerge out of the fat again

Namaste
B

Information I found on Dieting while breastfeeding

Unfortunately I found that dieting while breastfeeding may harm my milk supply - so I need to have more patience (which I'm not feeling at the moment)

Here is what I found at
http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/mom/mom-weightloss.html


Six guidelines for safe dieting during lactation

Wait until your baby is two months old before dieting
It's best not to do anything consciously to lose weight until after the second month. This gives your body enough time to successfully establish a healthy milk supply that is less likely to be adversely affected if your caloric intake is restricted. Breastfeeding your baby, on average, burns 200-500 calories per day (above what you needed to maintain your pre-pregnancy weight) -- so keep in mind that even without a weight loss program you are burning extra calories.

Breastfeed without restriction
Research tells us that both more frequent breastfeeding and breastfeeding longer than six months increases maternal weight loss.

Eat at least 1500-1800 calories per day
While nursing, you should not consume less than 1500-1800 calories per day, and most women should stay at the high end of this range. Some mothers will require much more than this, but studies show that going below this number may put supply at risk.

Keep weight loss at less than 1.5 pounds per week
Most moms can safely lose up to 1.5 pounds per week or 6 pounds per month after the second month and not affect milk supply or baby's well being. One study has suggested that short-term weight loss of 2.2 pounds (1 kg) per week is not a problem (in this study, moms dieted for 11 days).

Decrease the calories gradually
A sudden drop in calories can reduce milk supply. Some moms notice this during an illness, although dehydration and/or medication use could also be a factor in reduced milk supply when mom is sick. It has been hypothesized that a sudden calorie decrease can cause mom's body to go into "starvation mode" and cut nonessential resources such as milk production.

Avoid quick-fix solutions
Liquid diets, low-carb diets, fad diets, weight loss medication, etc. are not recommended while breastfeeding.

What might happen if a nursing mother loses weight too quickly?

• In most instances of too-rapid weight loss, it is not the breastmilk (composition or supply) that would suffer, but mom's nutrition and/or health.
• Excessive dieting can result in a reduced milk supply.
• According to Breastfeeding and Human Lactation (3rd Edition, Riordan, pp 440), it is noted that fad or rapid weight loss programs should be avoided because fat-soluble environmental contaminants and toxins stored in body fat are released into the milk when caloric intake is severely restricted. I was unable to find a definition of "severely restricted" but I expect that it is significantly under 1500 calories per day (which they called a "modest intake"). I've included information on a study on this subject below. See also the info at this website regarding environmental contaminants and breastfeeding.

Still 252

Still 252lbs - not much has changed - having trouble getting motivated to cut out carbs - Finding my body is sore from the birthing (Stitches) and not able to be as active as I wish to be.

I am cropping myself out of the baby pictures - too hard for me to look at

Namast
B

Wednesday

Well today is Wednesday the scale said 253lbs again

Hard to tell what my weight is with the breast milk factor

Overall - not doing well - again got into sugar today - for breakfast I had 60seconds inbetween feedings so I had a peanut butter and honey sandwich - and there were Jelly bellies on the coffee table I got into.

Yesterday over a 24 hour period I fed Philip 23 times - today we are already up to 15 times since midnight and it's only 11:35 now - and he is in the background wanting more! He is gaining weight every day - and must be going through a growing spurt!

I'm finding I have no "me time" and that is creating an in-balance - even when I sleep I listen for him. I went to have a bath last night - and within 10 minutes of getting into the Tub Chris comes upstairs with the baby - he needs to feed again.

Today my parents are coming to visit overnight to help me clean out some rooms.
I'm finding I can't even get to the dishes etc.. - I know he is only 2 weeks old and we will eventually settle into a routine - I think Chris expects that now I'm home that the house will be cleaned, dinner on the table, laundry done, as well as doing 23 feedings a day plus diapers. I'm feeling that I can't do it all - and when I do get a few minutes between feeding I grab anything quick from the fridge that I can eat myself - and shove it down my throat as quickly as possible.
This happens when we've gone out to eat too - we both keep an eye on Philip wondering when he is going to start crying for his "boob feeding" - It seems to be my responsibility to "power eat" to be ready for the calling!

Even now I'm typing this as quickly as I can - the little guy is moaning in the background making sucking noises - shoving his hand in his mouth looking for more boob.

Philip is the most amazing thing - I love him more than I thought I could - and I'm very happy with him - I'm just starting to feel burnt out - not uncommon I hear - so I'm taking it in stride the best I know how - I'm finding this week "lonely" without Chris around. When he was here he could take the burping sessions during the day, gave me a 5 minute break. With Philip's current feeding patterns being "all the time" I'm not sure how to even get out of the house on my own without a crying hungry baby. Tomorrow I have to take Philip to the doctor at 3:30pm (another prime feeding moment) - I'm dreading it - Chris doesn't understand. When I told him I didn't want to go grocery shopping on my own - he accused me of finding excuses of not going outside - and was upset that I expected him to pick up groceries - Made me angry inside as I'm the one who has to be up all night and day to feed - He doesn't understand how exhausted I am. The idea of packing Philip up, getting to the grocery store - praying the whole time he doesn't cry for a boob - With my back and shoulder pain I can't carry the car seat around on one hip - I need to put him in the stroller to move him about. So I have to figure out how to get him into the grocery store - gather groceries - hope he doesn't get hungry -put groceries in the car - him in the car - unpack him and groceries - all by myself - It's not like going to the mall to pick up one item that is easily bought and brought back - groceries are a big move of items -takes a long time to do. I suggested we do a grocery night together - not sure how well that went over.

I'm not very domestic and Chris expects that the domestic fairy to sprinkle me with fairy dust and turn me into a homemaker now I'm a Mom - guess what - I still think making dinner is torture - and last night I wasn't even able to eat my dinner because I handled the meat raw which makes me feel ill - so I had a bowl of cereal once Chris went to bed for the rest of my dinner.

Well, Philip is starting to cry again - end of this post

Namaste
B

Tuesday - day 2

Day 2 weighed in at 252lbs

Not doing so well with Day 2

Philip has been up all night long - Between 12:30 am and 11:30 am (11 hours) he has fed 13 times - sleep deprived I have fallen off the wagon already eating sugar and too much food to get through the lack of sleep.

He has just got himself to sleep now (12:30pm) - So I now have to go for a nap and forgo walking and cleaning the house - as I'm working on 3 hours sleep myself.

Namaste
B.

July 2nd 2007 - starting the weight loss all over again plus some!

Well here I am
I had a baby and gained 63lbs
I am now 253lbs - largest weight I've ever seen
I'm disappointed in myself for not maintaining control while I was pregnant
The last 11 weeks were the hardest - as my blood pressure went up and I was ordered to "bed rest" at home - no walking, no vacuuming, no exertion - and lots of time to think and eat out of boredom.

I did not resist any cravings during my pregnancy - I ate all the burgers, chocolate, desserts etc.. I ate through my emotions of being pregnant.

Now here I am, 63lbs heaver - I did it to myself again! When will I learn?

I have the tools to correct this
1. Eat well
2. Exercise
3. Meditate
4. Sleep (well sleep may be difficult with a new born!)

I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself and I sure don't want any pictures of me taken these days - and there seems to be camera's everywhere with the new baby.

I don't want people to see me at this weight - I know what they say "She gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy" - Each time I've run into someone in the last two weeks post pregnancy my heart sinks as I know what I look like and it breaks my heart to not be me anymore in body.

Namaste
B

Philip Arrived

Hello

Baby Philip arrived on June 18, 2007 at 6:00pm at 8lbs 1oz he was 21 inches long!

Mothers Day May 13th

Hello Everybody

Today is Mothers Day and I am 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant (to be exact) Baby is due on June 26th. We know it's a boy! He was not shy with the ultrasound.

I started feeling him move around on St. Patricks day at the Hockey game we went to - he seemed to love the sound of the hockey pucks hitting the sides of the arena and the heavy metal music played in-between face offs - I think I got a good glimps into his teenage years!!

I've put on more weight then even I could imagine - it's going to be a long road back this summer once he is born.

Right now I am off work - I had some difficulties with high blood pressure so my doctor took me off work - and now I'm off my blood pressure looks good! Surprising how even "good" stress can affect the body (I love my job - it's a great place to work!). I am missing work terribly - I really enjoy what I do - and I'm also really bored at home - TV just doesn't do it for me - and my doctor has told me I have to relax and not do any stressful activities - so overall I'm couch bound with short trips out on occassion! Feels like getting the "get out of jail free" card while playing monopoly when can get out.

Discovered facebook while I was off - so I'm now "hip" and set up a page on there. I got as PSP (Play Station Portable) and I'm playing action/adventure games.

We've got the baby's room all set up (for the most part) and have bought, or been given all the "big ticket items" - there is still some assembly required!

Namaste
B

Happy Holidays

Well, I'm now 214lbs and 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant (according to the Ultrasound) - The due date is June 26th.

I know deep in my heart that gaining 23lbs since September 30th is because I am eating too much - I'm completely out of control with sugar and carbs. The only saving grace is that I look pregnant not "fat" - though loosing the weight is going to be frustrating again in June. I can't see myself gaining control while I"m pregnant - I've given up even trying.

We did have a good Christmas this year. We had 4 Turkey Dinners in a row - so we are Turkeyed out! We will have to remember to request alternative dinners next year! We had Turkey on Monday night here with Chris's family - We then had Turkey on Tuesday night with my family, left over Turkey with my family on Wednesday night - then Turkey dinner on Thursday night with Chris's grandparents - Tonight we went out for Steak - NO MORE TURKEY! I won't want to see Turkey for at least a couple of months!

We got a new digital camera for Xmas - getting ready to take the baby pictures in June! We've spent most of our days between Christmas and New Years with Friends and Family - Today was the first day in 7 days we didn't have any plans (we were suppose to visit friends - but they were not available in the end) - Tomorrow we are out with Friends and New Years Eve we have friends visiting us here. Going back to work on Tuesday! Though I'm going to miss my daily naps in the afternoon - I find I'm tired and need a nap by 2pm!

Namaste
B

Where did I go?

Hello Everybody

You may have noticed that the blogging "stoped" for a while. I had a very good reason! This blog was started to help me loose weight. And I did a good job of loosing weight - I even got down to 190 lbs.

Since the wedding I've been gaining weight - (lots of weight) - and it has been frustrating. The reason I'm not able to diet though is that I am pregnant!

I first gained 8lbs over the honeymoon - I didn't worry about food - I just had a great time.

Then I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks after the honeymoon. So dieting idea was gone! Now I find I'm eating out of nerves again - and trying to get more calcium etc.. in my diet has increased the calories too. Drinking orange juice and milk products which are high in fat and calories - I've gone through times where I can't seem to get full - and other days were food turns me off. Chris is very kind to me and has told me not to worry about my weight - that it came off before, and it will come off again. I'm already up to 208lbs (which is 10 lbs since the honeymoon weight).

I am excited about being pregnant - I'll be 39 when the child is born. I don't like to look at my face in the mirror again - as I've balloned up my face is gone. I am frustrated with my lack of control, I'm eating everything in sight and no matter what I tell myself I can't seem to get the cravings to stop or me to stop - I hate feeling like this about food again. I am kicking myself for gaining the weight over the honeymoon - why can't I just stay away from food that puts on the pounds? Why am I so weak after having so much success? I should be thrilled about all the changes in my body - but I'm angry at me for eating - and I won't start dieting as I won't hurt the baby - but I'm still a mess about my self image and I know that I'm going to have to take off 60 pounds next summer instead of 40 to get back to me again and that sucks! I feel like I'm on a run-away train that I can't stop and I'm heading right back to the wall.

People are not very nice either - one person said I should only gain 15lbs through my pregnancy and read me the riot act for having no will power - someone else said don't listen to those people, every person is different some gain 25-50 lbs - It's not a reflection of will power - My OBGYN is telling me not to worry about it and enjoy the pregnancy. But there are so many of those "people" giving me advice about my wieght gain - every where I turn I get critisim - and because they THINK they are helpful giving me their worldly advice as they have had a child and I'm the niave first timer - that they are doing me some sort of service by comparing "me" to "them" .

God help me when the baby is born - I think I'm going to have books and advice thrown at Chris and I like there is no tomorrow - I'm going to have to take a step back and say "thanks-but-no-thanks" to get these well meaning people who impose their thoughts with being asked to back off!

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit "grumpy" about the whole thing today

Overall I really am thrilled about being a Mom

Namaste
B

Monday October 30th

Well It's Monday October 30th - One month since the wedding day (Sept 30th)

My, October has flown by.

I've been struggling with Carbs still. Eating Bread products like they are going out of style. I did do a few minutes on the Elliptical machine on Sunday.

This weekend we had a quiet weekend. We shopped, had the family over for Hockey and Dinner on Saturday Night. Yesterday we played Never Winter Nights - On Wednesday the next version of the game is released - so I know what we are doing next weekend!

Hope everybody had a great weekend

Namaste
B.

long week

It has been a long week this week.

I have not done well with food

On Tuesday I spent 6 hours straight in an Arbitration hearing with work- and ate to much while sitting around (there is a lot of sitting around at an Arbitration hearing). I also ate more because that evening I was going to a funeral visitation in Georgetown. My cousin's husband's sister passed away. It was very sudden. At thanksging she was hosting dinner for her family, feeling under the weather. Went to the doctor the that week and found out she was full of cancer and had maybe days to live. She lived 9 days. So I ate my way through the nervous energy of going to a visitation that day. I kept feeling that deep pit in the bottom of my heart - I can't imagine seeing my sister there, or Chris's brothers and the heart ache that goes through a person. Even contemplating it mad me feel physically ill.

Then on Wednesday (yesterday) I was at a Human Resources Convention for my local area. The food of course was amazing, and I didn't use any will power what so ever as I ate my way through yesterday.

My "control" mechanism seems to be failing these days - and I've gone back to old patterns of using food as a comfort and emotional release. This is a pattern that's sabotaged me in the past. And in the middle of the eating, I intellectually know what I'm doing to myself - but for some reason my hand still goes to mouth and I eat.

Namaste
B.

Monday Monday

Good morning

Today the scales said 196.5 lbs

I'm going to try not concentrating on the scales so much, but instead concentrate on eating healthy!

Today I had oatmeal and banna for breakfast. I've got packed 2 yogurts, cottage cheese and 3 fruits for lunch.

This weekend Chris and I went up to Parry Sound to visit Chris's Mom and Step Dad who are off to Arizona for the winter beginning Wednesday. We had a great Visit. Chris, Ken and I went for a 2 hour walk on Saturday while waiting for everybody else to arrive. Dianne and I sat up to 2am talking, while the boys were out by the fire outside drinking and talking. We left yesterday after lunch and got back home around 1pm. We then decided to look at open houses in the area (One neighbourhood had an open house blitz) - we are not really looking to move just yet (probably another 2 years or so) but we thought it would be fun to start going out and seeing what is on the market, having the conversations of what we both like and don't like in a house. We both agreed that none of the houses we saw on Sunday were anything we would like.

Anyhow that was our weekend.

Hope everybody else had a great weekend

Off to work now!

Namaste

B.

back to work

Hello All

I've been having difficulty with Blogger working the last few days

I went back to work on Wednesday and the scale is around 197lbs (gained weight over the honeymoon)

I've had a difficult time taking myself off of white flour, sugar and starch. I'm craving it at hightened levels - It's like falling off the wagon with cigarrette's and smoking again - the cravings are strong. I have not done well this week in stopping them - I've even gained 0.5 lbs since Monday. Last week I gained 1 lbs (I came back from the resort at 195.5). I'm having difficulties finding my off button.

I do have the Elliptical machine set up. I got on it on Tuesday evening. I need to prioritize that more for every evening.

I hope everybody enjoys their Friday - This weekend we are visiting Parry Sound.

Namaste

B.

Married

Married

Well I made it - got married on September 30th

Just got back from one week at a resort where I had more food then one could imagine; we also hiked a lot in Algonquin - I've not stepped on the scale yet. I'll let you know how I did when I get brave - I am guessing I gained 8 pounds (I'm hoping for less)

With the money we got as gifts one of the "me" presents will be exersize equipment.

Thank you to everybody who has supported me so far!

Now I have the opportunity to continue forward - not letting the wedding be an excuse to eat anything I want for weeks on end. Time to continue to take care of me for me!

Namaste

B

Out of Control

I'm not feeling in control this week - I'm up to 191lbs - That's not good

I did a lot of walking on Saturday - walked probably 8km - my legs felt like Jelly afterwords

We then went to Swish Challet for dinner - and I ate all my dinner [probably should have only had 50% of it]

Yesterday we cleaned the house (I did the basement) I had yogurt for breakfast, chilli for lunch and Soup with Pork Roast and veggie's for dinner. I probably should have not had the pork or not had the soup - as that again was too many calories

So here I am less then a week before the wedding and 191lbs - I have let myself down. I should have an "8" in my weight not a "9" - and the only one I can blame is me.

B.

Friday

We are almost there - 1 week to go until the wedding

Today the scales said 190 to 190.5 lbs - Frustrated I thought I would be 188 by today at the most - I wanted to be in the 180's for the wedding - but I seem to be stuck again. I have not been doing my lunch walking and that has made a big difference. It's started off sunny in the morning, and by lunch time it's been raining - not really good for a walk in work clothes over lunch - kinda need to be dry in the office in the afternoon! Probably soon time to motivate myself to go to the gym over lunch and do my 20 minute work out (by the time I get there, change, exercise, shower, change and go back to work I've got about 20 minutes on a machine - sometimes I can stretch it to 25 minutes if the traffic was light on the way to the gym).

Hope everybody has a great Friday

Namaste
B

Thursday

Today the scales said 190 lbs

I didn't end up posting a picture this week - I got discouraged when I only lost 1/2 a pound since last week - so I didn't bother.

Yesterday my co-workers had a surprise wedding shower for me after work - That was a lovely surprise - I didn't expect is (as they have all been invited to the wedding) - It was a nice evening at a Wild Wing - Got some great kitchen gagets and a cook book too!

I haven't been going out for my walks - it's been raining every single day - and with the wedding coming up (Vacation time off) I'm trying to catch up with current work before I leave and have everything organized in my office. 4 more working days to vacation!

Hope everybody is having a great Thursday

Namaste
B.

Tuesday September 19 2006

Happy Tuesday everybody

Today the scales said 190.5 lbs

I'm having a more difficult time with food again. Yesterday they brought in Pizza for lunch - and though I had packed a lunch, I ate the Pizza instead - it's becoming too frequent that I'm giving in again. I have to start saying "no" or I'll gain weight! I'm so close to my goal, this is not the time for me to start giving in to temptation. White bread over the weekend, too much corn (corn is basically a white startch that goes straight to your hips unlike other vegetables), pizza, cheeses - they all have to go go go!!

Anyhow that's my rant for the morning

I hope everybody has a great Tuesday

Namaste

B.

Monday Monday

Welcome to Monday

Today the scales went back and forth between 190.5 and 191 lbs

I probably gained a bit with this weekend eating (white bread, corn on the cob being the two culprits)

Chris had his batchelor party this weekend - and it was quit the party!

I was out of town with another wedding dress fitting - it's looking good!

We are busy with the last stages of planning for the wedding (not much to do - just the little stuff)

I got out walking on Friday night - but Saturday and Sunday were busy with other activities and didn't get there - now we are back into rain!

Oh well - I just have to watch what I eat this week!

Hope everybody had a fantastic weekend and enjoy's this new work week

Namaste
B.

It's Friday!

Hello Everyone the scales said 190.5 lbs this morning

I've now lost 44 pounds exactly since May 3rd!

Last night chris and I walked 9 km on a "Geocache" search. This is where people have hidden "treasures" on hiking trails and left the longitude and latidute coordinates. We have a hand held GPS system where we put in the coordinates and go hiking looking for them. Very cool idea - this is our first search and we are having fun - good exercise too!

I hope everybody has a great weekend

Namaste
B.

Thursday

Welcome to Thursday

Today the scales were 191 lbs

Yesterday was a whirl wind day of activity at work! Lots going on! Same for today. We don't seem to have a slow time any more. Traditionally "Summer" and over Christmas was the time of year to catch up at work - not any more - we go full steam ahead all year long!

I hope everybody has a great Thursday!

Namaste
B.

chart down to 191 lbs lost 43.5 pounds to date

Wednesday Picture weigh in

Hello Everybody

The scales said 191 lbs this morning!

Only 2 1/2 weeks to the wedding day!

This week has been a bit more challenging. I was out for lunch Monday, and Tuesday and had dinner out on Monday night. Tuesday the only choice was pizza - it was my first slice of pizza since April!

Still the scales are going down, and I'm mindful that I can only eat pizza on occassion - so I don't get back into the once a week habit! But it did taste very good!

I hope everybody has a great Wednesday.

Namaste
B.

Monday September 11th

Hello All

The scales said 191.5 lbs this morning

Was a busy weekend - got my hair dyed on Saturday morning, we drove 3 hours to Sudbury in the afternoon for Julie's wedding shower, then drove back that night. Yesterday was another whirl wind wedding planning day - but we are so close to having everything ready it's great.

Today is a busy day at work - I have a working lunch so I won't get to walk. Tonight I"m going to the Toronto International Film Festival - I think we are seeing the film "Bonneville" at 9:30 Roy Thompson Hall.

Hope everybody has a great day!

Namaste

B.

TGIF

Today the scales said 192.5lbs

It is friday (which means I go to work for 7:30am) - so I'll keep this short!

Yesterday I went on my 5km walk.

Today is staff appreciation day at work - they feed us lunch - do games etc... should be fun!

Hope everybody has a great Friday

Namaste

B.

Thursday

Hello Everybody

Today my weight was 192.5 pounds - I've lost 42 pounds since May 3rd from 234.5 down to 192.5 pounds.

I'm feeling good about the weight - I've started wearing my old woredrobe which is amazing! My goal is another 22.5 lbs (get down to 170lbs). At 170 pounds my BMI is 26.6 which is "margernally overweight". At 5 foot 7 inches tall I am 67 inches (one foot equals 12 inches).

http://www.totalhealthdynamics.com/bodymass.htm

So I'm doing well on my way to my goal - Another 22.5 to go and then I'm good to level off. I've lowered my risk of heart deseases, etc...

Every day is better and better and better

Namaste

B.

Chart

Wednesday Weigh in 193lbs

Hello All

Today the scales said 193lbs.

Going back down again.

Yesterday I didn't get for my walk, I conducted interviews all day - today it's raining - hope for tomorrow!

Enjoy your Wednesday

Namaste

B.

Labour Day Monday

Hello All

Today the scale said 193lbs

Yesterday we went out shopping for over 6 hours - we got a lot accomplish

I like the feeling that there is not much left to do until the wedding - just a few small things (like making a sign for the gift table, making signs to reseve parking out front for the bride & groom - reserve table signs and gravel to hold the flowers in the vases) The small things we can slowly get done without much pressure. Which is good!

Today it is still raining. It's going to be a sleepy, stay at home (and read) day.

Hope everybody has a great long weekend

Namaste

B.

Sunday - Being Me Now

Well It's Sunday and the scales said 193.5lbs this morning

I started this blog back in May to help me track my weight loss. Everyday I get up, weigh myself and post the weight on the blog for the entire world to see. I think that society (especially for women) have this weird taboo on what people weigh. If you are too high, or too low is something "shameful" (especially if you are too high - the media doesn't recognise too low unless your on deaths doorstep)

Why do people hide their weight? their age? these are general statistics about who we are as people. What is in the collective psychic that say's "keep things private".

For example, I have had anxiety attacks and times of depression. As I've gone through those times I have discovered a have a family history for a few generations that have had these same issues which I find interesting, and very helpful to know (the I'm not alone syndrome). Right now I'm happy, upbeat, no depression in site, but as it's chemical for me, I know it can pop up again, and I know what to do when it does. The anxiety attacks are always around in one form or another - and that's okay. They are mild currently, and are on one topic of conversation that loops through my head (what is death, what happens when I die, what if I don't exist when I die, where was "I" before I was born - fear of death, fear of blinking out of existance when my body dies, more terror attacks then anxiety attacks - overwhelming fear of what happens to "me" when I die and the desire to figure out the question, or will a very positive answer into my conciousness while I'm alive - then I wonder if I am making up a happy ending to delude myself because of the fear - smile - it's an endless loop!) - I have that panic attack almost every night as I fall to sleep - but I've had that for years now (since 1985), so I have techniques to get through it night after night, how to refocus my mind so it does not overwhelm me. On occassion it does.

Back to my main point.... stating my weight, talking about depression, panick attacks openly, honestly as if I was talking about the weather, seems to be something unusual. Now I'm not sitting down in every conversation having heavily loaded, deep conversations that have people running as I walk in the door (Oh my god, here she comes and she's going to tell us her troubles again - lets duck out on her now) - there are people that do that - every time you see them there is a drama to tell, a sad story, a concern - I'm talking about the occassional conversation (two to three times a year) where I start talking about real life issues, feelings, emotions, and notice the reaction of particular people who just don't think it is poliet or appropriate to speak these things out loud - that it's best kept inside. The proper way to communicate.

What is it that makes subjects taboo? That makes expressing something that a large group of people also experience an uncomfortable moment? Interesting?

Here's a thought, if your reading this, did you get uncomfortable with the topics I typed? Too much information? If so, why was that?

Anyhow that's my ramble today

Namaste
B.

Saturday

This morning the scales said 194lbs

Today I drove to Peterborough for the wedding dress fitting. It went very well. I also shopped for the accessory jewllery.

I had a good day, Mom and Lisa joined me as we did wedding stuff. Then Dad Mom and I went out to dinner before I drove 2 hours back home.

I'm glad the dress fits and even needs to be taken in!!

I am looking forward to the wedding day. I see it as a big celebration, a party with friends and family. I'm not really attached to the wedding "stuff" - just the celebration part! I'm fairly realistic in knowing it's only one day - that on Sunday I will wake up and everything will be the same. I've watched some of those bridal shows on TV where the Bride dreamily describes the wedding as a turning point in life, that some magical fairy dust will create this wonderful life and all will be different once married. I love Chris very much, and I am already happy. I expect life's journey will have some bumps in the road we will work through. I know that marriage is a partnership - and the only one responsible for "changing my life" is me. (sorry no knight in shining armour syndrome here - though Chris would be cute in armour - but probably would scratch the furnature - smile). For me the wedding is a celebration of what we've already built and a great excuse to share time with friends and family who don't get in the same room very often to have some fun!

Namaste
B.